I should have my own censors.

I swear. Like a lot. I try to be better about it, especially since I have a child and people around me usually have children with them.

I mean, it’s okay if I teach my kid to say naughty words (which I don’t! The ex does that, thankyousomuch.) but it really isn’t cool to teach other peoples’ kids to call bad drivers colorful names that impugn their parents’ lack of blood ties.

So really, most of my conversations can’t be repeated here verbatim.

But here are a couple from today that were sort of entertaining. Meaning that I look dumb, which is always funny.

Between me and A, the bff from high school:

me: In other news, I applied for a job as a probation officer.

A: … Oh. My.

me: You’re scared now, aren’t you?

A: A little, yeah.

me: Come on, it’d be AWESOME. I’d get paid to be snarky! Like: Stop dressing like a hooker, seriously. No one will believe you aren’t. Also, get a haircut and drink some water!

A: Yeah, I probably should do those things.

me: Not you! In fact, I’d try to turn them all into versions of you!

A: Bibbity Bobbity *poof* Mini A’s

me: Exactly! I’d have an army of yous with which to take over the world! mwahahahahaha. Also, sign first then make copies. Don’t print 50 and then sign.

A: HA! That’s funny.

Discussing wedding things with K:

K: Ohohoh!

me: What?!?!

K: I fired the string trio!

me: Oh they wouldn’t learn the song? Bastards (only for bastards read a somewhat harsher word that I promise I’ll never say in front of your child). So, iPod then?

K: They just never would email me back. And yes!

me: Awesome! Now you can spend that money on something better. Like getting your own bridesmaids dress for going out in.

K: Exactly! Cause I saved like $500…

me: By switching my car insurance to GEICO!

K: hahahahahaha

me: Sorry, couldn’t resist.

K: No, I walked right into it. Well played!

me: Thank you, thank you.

On a side note, I’m really not kidding. If you have to print out a butt-ton of please send us money/food donations for our Thanksgiving/Christmas baskets letters, print one. Sign it. Make copies. Signing a ton of copies makes your hand cramp and your signature starts to morph into this weird serial killer looking thing.

Also, pro-tip: Get self sealing envelopes. Paper cuts on your tongue SUCK.

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