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Adventures in having a child

The fantastic and awesomely amazing @Fizzygrrl shared a story of her having the birds and bees talk with her kids.

I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. Then, much like I do with her stories of public humiliation, I think to myself: Self, we should share our equally horrifying moments of parenting fun.

So, here is my utterly inane sharing.

I was minding my own business and driving home from work one day, quite peacefully and without my usual angst at driving in traffic (there was none) when my cell phone rang.

Yes, I answered it. I always answer it when it’s my son’s number.

Expecting the dulcet tones (read: really loud excited screaming) of my offspring, instead I hear his father.

Ex: I need you to talk to your son.

Me: Oh god. He’s MY son? Why is it that he’s MY son when you want me to talk to him?

Ex: Whatever. He won’t listen to me. So will you please just talk to him?

Me: He doesn’t listen to you, cause you’re a wuss. But yes, fine. I’ll talk to him.

Ex: Good. I need you to tell him why he can’t take a bow and arrows outside to play with his friends.

Me: I’m sorry, what?

wait what

Ex: He wants to take his bow and arrows outside to the park with his friends.

Me: Why do I even have to HAVE this conversation???

Boy: Hi Mom.

Me: Dude, you can’t take weapons out in public.

Boy: But I’m careful!

Me: Which is great, I’m glad to hear that. But you still can’t take weapons out in public.

Boy: Why not?

Me: Cause other people are stupid. Also, if your dad goes to jail, I’m like six states away and can’t bail him out.

Boy: Okay.

Ex: Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me: Dude, seriously? Why?

Ex: Cause they’re cool!

Me: Then take him to an archery range or something!

Ex: Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.

Me:

facepalm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah… that was a fun day.

 

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